So, what about this issue of cohabitation?  Why is it a bad idea?  Does a piece of paper or a ceremony really
make that much of a difference?

I have several friends who opted to live together before
pursuing marriage.  And, as far as I
know, each of those instances turned into marriage, and each marriage is going
strong. And it was always the same reasoning behind their choices. “I don’t
need a piece of paper to know I’m committed.” “It’s just a ring. It means
nothing and, besides, I don’t even like jewelry.”

There are several issues with those thoughts, least of all
is the fact that I have yet to meet a woman that doesn’t consider diamonds her best
friends.

First of all, I concede that a piece of paper is not the
commitment. It is, however, a sign of the commitment. Couples who live together
are much more likely to consider separation an option, especially considering
they have not entered into a legally binding contract.  In addition, the very idea of not pursuing
marriage shows the disconnect that exists between their relationship and
commitment.

Moving in together doesn’t show commitment. It shows lack of
commitment. It says “I want some of you, but I’m not ready for all of you. I
hope you understand.” In addition, couples who cohabitate before they are
married are twice as likely to engage in an affair, even once they are married.

Most people are convinced that moving in together is just
the final step before marriage. It comes after engagement (sometimes) and
before the vows (not so much). The sad truth of the matter is that over 60% of
couples who cohabitate never end up married. And that isn’t the most alarming
statistic. If they do get married, the couple is nearly 50% more likely to end
up divorced. Why set yourself up for failure?

People who cohabitate may never experience divorce, but that
doesn’t protect them from the pain that comes from ending the relationship. And
each time a break-up or separation happens, it makes it that much more
difficult to commit, even half-heartedly, the next time.

I’ve heard the argument of not wanting to feel “tied down.”
The argument that people are happier outside of a marriage.  But that is a lie. In fact, studies have
revealed that married couples feel much more fulfilled-across the board- than
couples who cohabitate.  In addition,
physical and sexual abuse is more prevalent in cohabiting couples.  In short, marriage is essentially safer than
merely cohabiting.

And then, there’s the children.  Children seem to be lost in the mix so often.
Parents are so concerned with their own wellbeing that they ignore what is best
for their child.  A stable home life that
doesn’t leave the child questioning who will be home when they get home from
school or who will tuck them into bed.

Couples who cohabitate are three times more likely to live
in poverty, adding any number of disadvantages to the children in the home. And
a breakup hurts just as much for the kids.

Why set yourself up for disaster?  That’s what I ask my students.  And, when it comes to marriage, I get some
pretty interesting comments from those kids. 
Check back next time to see how our typical conversations about marriage
go. 

by: Tiffany Soyster

This newsletter was
extremely difficult for me to write. As I started to compile some recent
articles that pertain to this line of work, I felt it was time for another blog
post. An opportunity for you to hear from one of us.

 What would be the topic
of discussion? Should I write a funny little anecdote about what I've learned
about being a parent, and how I wouldn't have been able to do it as a teen? Or,
better yet, should I write about finally seeing the information click and make
sense in the life of one of my students from Meigs County? Or, maybe on a more
serious note, write about the sexual assault of an American journalist in Egypt
and how a certain politician took to Twitter making light of the incident?

 But over and over, one
thing kept tugging on my heart.  Brokenness.

 It started with the HPV
article. Cancer. This STD causes cancer. The article is a good one,
but as I read it I was deeply saddened. "Just about everyone" will
have HPV at one time or another, the article states. Seriously? Have we given
up any and all hope that some people do actually wait until they are married to
engage in sexual activity? And, in some cases- bazaar, I know- those people
actually marry each other and remain faithful to their
partner, thereby eliminating the risk of getting HPV? For real. It happens.

 So, I moved on. And with
an already heavy heart, I decided to tackle Billy Ray Cyrus. Well, not actually tackle him,
cause he's about a foot taller than I am and is not currently in my office, but
rather, tackle the subject. The subject of a father who is hurting. Who
let the envelope slip a little further and further out of his grip, until
videos emerge on the internet of his precious little girl hitting a bong.

 This hasn't been the
first time his little girl has been in a negative light. Miley's "Can't Be
Tamed" video was a subject of a previous newsletter, and we've all heard
about the Vanity Fair photo shoot, the wet t-shirt pictures and the
pole-dancing fiasco at the Teen Choice Awards. But this is different.

 So, I read the GQ
interview. All 6 pages. And I read the Focus on the Family editorial about the
interview. Sure, it's a great thing to encourage parents to be involved in
their kids lives and step up to the plate, but this is a much deeper issue, and
to minimalize it as such is minimalizing the pain that this family is going
through. 

 Here's the thing. I know
other families are faced with issues that are just as bad and even worse. To
some, a wild and crazy daughter and a pending divorce are merely drops in the
bucket of their everyday life. But their difficulties aren't played out on a
national level in front of millions of people waiting for their fall.

 And, we
wait. We wait for the next Miley Cyrus scandal. For the next Brittney Spears
fiasco. We anxiously await the news that Lindsay Lohan is back in jail, and
Charlie Sheen has finally gone overboard and is too far beyond any hope of
rescue.

Because their
hurt, their pain, only serve as a reminder that our shortcomings aren’t that
bad. We look at our children, and even though they may be involved in risky
behavior, we know it isn’t this bad, so we turn our backs on the hurt within
our own communities. Our own families.

Billy
Ray has become the first to admit that he made some mistakes. And those
mistakes have cost him dearly. As his divorce and the escapades of his daughter
play out in front of the nation, he hurts, knowing that just a little more involvement
on his part could have changed the outcome.

So,
after reading the GQ article that nearly brought me to tears, I began my search
for a final piece for this newsletter. A final article to convey the direness
of the situation to parents. To help them understand that this is a completely
different time. No longer is the biggest problem faced by a child a bully that steals
lunch money, or a pop quiz in math class. Gang violence. STDs. Drugs.  All of which seem to be glorified on the very
televisions we place in our children’s rooms. And now? Girls are being encouraged
to pursue anorexia or bulimia. Unreal.

I
visited some of these “pro-ana” and “pro-mia” websites. And my already hurting
heart seemed to crumble. A list telling girls why it is so much better to be
thin. “Starving is an example of excellent will power.” “Nothing can’t be fixed
with hunger and weight loss.” “Think of anorexia as your secret weapon.” And,
my personal favorite (that’s dripping with sarcasm in case you missed it) “Only
fat people are attracted to fat people. Do you want pigs to like you because
you are one of them?”

As
someone who has struggled for years with appearance-thankfully never to the
point of an eating disorder- I feel like all the ground I’ve gained personally and
my desire to promote healthy body image and self-esteem to young girls is all
in vain. Because right at their fingertips is a world telling them that
perfection is thin. Deathly thin. And plastered on magazine covers are stories
of Beyonce, Tyra and J-Lo. Women who gain a few pounds and are hammered by the
very people that put them on a pedestal of beauty only moments before.

So,
where do we go from here?



What has this struggle done for me, in my simple life
in a small town? All these articles are real life. And just because they may
seem like they are far away, they aren’t. This reality is invading even the
best of homes. Because parents are unaware of what is lurking, ready to snatch
their children. Hannah Montana couldn’t escape it.  And your kids may not be able to either.

So I
encourage you, now more than ever, don’t just be a friend to your kids. Be
their parent. They’ll thank you one day. I know that I’ve thanked mine. And I
hope that one day, mine will thank me.

In the beginning, the Care Center invited a man...a young man named Taylor Hollingsworth. At the time of my first interview for the position of abstinence educator, I was completing an internship for college by working at an all-boys boarding school on a small island near the Philippines. The island time was about thirteen hours ahead of Rhea County time, so in the middle of the night, I was freshly caffeinated with 3 cups of rich coffee and anxiously pacing back and forth in a teachers’ lounge with a phone in hand for my interview with the director and grant administrator of the Care Center. Little did I know that this phone interview would pave the way for me to be a part of the Women’s Care Center for the next 2 years.

The employment couldn’t have come at a sweeter time. I was pining to marry my college sweetheart, Elisabeth, but had no way of supporting myself, much less a wife. Plus, she had another semester of college to go before she was going to be done. Before being hired by the Care Center, I had resolved that I wanted to pursue a position that would allow me to meaningfully invest in people’s lives. I was especially geared to work with youth because I had experience leading youth activities and I was close enough in age to be relatable. In addition, I knew the significance of reaching out to youth because that was the most pivotal and vulnerable time of my own life. I had been investigating positions as a youth leader in several different churches in the Southeast thinking that this would be the only way to be in close vicinity to Elisabeth while staying true to what I felt vocationally called to do. However, the abstinence educator position offered above and beyond what I thought was going to be a realistic scenario for our future plans. It was an opportunity to be in close proximity to Elisabeth while working with youth on a genuinely important subject that could meet a need in Rhea County. I was ecstatic! I was officially hired on January 1^st 2009 along with Tiffany, whom I knew from high school youth group and Bryan College.

Upon my arrival to the Women’s Care Center, I soon realized that this was going to be an extremely different environment for a 21 year-old boy who had just spent 3 years living in a guy’s college dorm and 4 months living in an all-boys high school dorm. I had left a smelly, messy world of sports, video games, junk food and streaking and entered a world of hyper-charged, ultra-compassionate middle-aged women on task to reach the hurting and helpless of Rhea County. I thought that I was experiencing culture-shock while overseas, but this was an entirely different intra-cultural type of shock. I had a lot to learn.

One of the first things I learned was that working with a flock of women is very, very different than working with a herd of dudes.I was the only guy at the WCC for the first 9 months of my employment. In the beginning, I and three other girls shared the same, small office area. I felt like I was on National Geographic studying the behaviors of a strange, remote people group. I quickly found that this strange people talk…a lot. They would talk about an array of subjects for what seemed like forever. Often times, the subject of choice would lead to another and eventually would spawn a multitude of rabbit trails. The girls seemed perfectly content with their multi-tasking finesse and topical stimulation. However, I had to create a system where I could be bodily present, but escape mentally to a land where I could drown out the perpetual conversation. That escape came in the form of headphones hooked up to my computer which played a steady flow of ethereal, light instrumental music. This helped.

Eventually, I began to understand the habits of the women more thoroughly. A lot of this understanding was aided by the material we were presenting in the classroom about gender differences and the way they process information differently. I began to be less annoyed by the things I didn’t understand as a guy, and became more appreciative of the differences that balanced my own weaknesses.

During this time, I was also attempting to develop my particular style as a teacher. Tiffany and I shadowed a couple of different abstinence education programs to watch their presentation style. One program catered predominantly to inner-city kids who required a more in-your-face, sassy approach. The other took place in a rural community that had more of a lighter, “you-are-special’ kind of approach. It was quite the range.It took/has taken quite some time to refine the best tactical style for the kids we were attempting to reach.

The age range that we teach is very dynamic. The 6^th graders are usually pretty wired, but receptive to our message. Most are on the verge of puberty, so there is a pretty big difference between the boys and girls physically. They are quick to participate and often, quick to get crazy. They respond really well to slap-stick humor and bodily function jokes. We love them.

The 7^th graders are not quite as wild, but they still have a participatory bug. They enjoy some of the slap-stick, but also respond best when challenged to be mature. They can handle more depth.

8^th graders have sifted through a lot more of the identity issues and are more comfortable in the deeper subjects. By this point, most of them are anticipating high school, so they tend to act more mature (or at least attempt).

The 9^th graders are fun, because you can be straight-up with them. They are ready to make informed decisions. They don’t like to be baited in the classroom, so it’s best to dive into a more far-reaching strategy when talking about controversial subjects that many of them think they’ve made their final decisions on (i.e. the effectiveness of birth control).

Wading through this dynamic age range has forced me to explore several different presentation styles. Many times, I have been the energetic, story-laden jokester that would shift to serious mode when making an important point. Other times, especially in older grades, I would attempt to be less caricatured and more philosophical. It’s very challenging to find the right balance of animation, humor, and seriousness to connect favorably with the students while actually delivering the important message wished to be conveyed. Other factors that complicate the process are classroom dynamics, the age group, and the lesson being taught

Over the last two years, my time in the classroom has been the highlight of my experience with the WCC. One of the main reasons I wanted to join was because I was excited about connecting with teens and impacting them positively. Upon re-entering the teen realm, I began to recall the combination of social and academic pressure and identity searching that permeates their world. There were many moments in the classroom that I felt overwhelmed by the burdens that the students were carrying. Teens I met were dealing with their parents’ irresponsibility manifested in poor relationship habits, drug abuse, and generally setting a low bar for how an adult should behave. I often felt the urge to steal them away from their broken world and take them somewhere away from their pain. I wanted to tell them that they didn’t have to live like that. Sometimes, I felt that we were focusing on a subject that was far too small to heal the brokenness these students were enduring from every angle (friends, family, media, etc.).

However, in retrospect, I realize that our organization has made significant strides to aid students with a holistic perspective on how to succeed in life, beyond sexual relationships. This aspect was one of the most energizing points for me to keep plugging away and investing in their lives. We would continuously reiterate the fact that “the choices they made today could and would affect their future, as well as those around them.” The emphasis has been on the long-term outcome of decision-making and how to pursue healthy relationships that will benefit instead of harm them.

Though it has been difficult at times, I have thoroughly enjoyed being on the frontlines in this battle against selfish, future-corrupting mentalities that are so pervasive and, in the short-run very alluring, in a teen’s life. I hope to continue to be a part of this battle by speaking truth into the lives of the people around me. The Edge program of the WCC has certainly prepared me to do that.

In the coming months, my wife and I will be making our final preparations to head overseas to study language and culture in a very different environment. We are committed to be “life-time” students and glean as much from our experiences as possible. Our hope is to spend 2 years in a foreign environment to get a different perspective on life while learning more about ourselves and our future vocation. We’ve found that we typically learn best when immersed in the learning experience and made vulnerable.

Though the Dayton chapter is coming to a close, a piece of our heart will always remain in Rhea County. I just want to close by saying that I have thoroughly enjoyed the many memories and experiences afforded me during my time at the Women’s Care Center. The people have blessed me richly with their various personalities and warmth. Each one has strengths that are being used to reach out and make a difference. They most certainly have made an enormous difference in my life, and for that I am most grateful.

For those of you are students that have had me, I wish the best for you all. Hope some of the stuff I said has pointed you in a better direction or encouraged you in the direction you already were going. Keep your pants on! The time is coming.

Farewell Bledsoe, Sequatchie, Meigs, McMinn, North Hamilton, and Rhea.

Your Friend,

Taylor Hollingsworth

By Joel Trigger, Educator

Last night we went to a basketball
game at Spring City middle school. We spent three weeks there earlier this year
teaching 6^th – 8^th grade. We had a ton of fun getting to
know the students outside class by eating with them during lunch and playing
dodge ball with them in the gym in between classes. Apparently the students had
a good time too because a lot of them recognized us and were yelling to us,
waving at us, coming over to give us high fives… yeah, we were kind of a big
deal.  Too bad this stuff never happened
to me when I was actually in middle school – that would’ve showed those kids
who always made fun of me what was up.

Anyway, I’d like to think that the
reason the students love us isn’t just because we’re hilarious, and fun, and
awesome at dodge ball (though we’re definitely all of those things); but more
importantly because we take the time to talk to them outside of class – to get
to know them and show that we care. I hope that our students look up to us
because they see in us something that they feel is worth emulating. We aren’t
like some of the other adults in their lives that are often too busy to take
the time to really listen to them and get to know their personalities. We also
aren’t like the typical role models that youth see in the mainstream media.

Take, for example, hit rapper Lil
Wayne.



In an interview with Katie Couric before the Grammy awards, Lil Wayne
summed himself up by saying, “I’m a gangster Miss Katie.” When asked what that
meant he said, “I don’t take nothin’ from nobody. I do what I wanna do. And I’m
gonna do that until the day I die and if I can’t do that then I’ll just die.” I
meet a lot of young guys who think that’s awesome – that life is about looking
out for number one. When asked if he ever wonders if he’s a good example for
people, Lil Wayne said, “I’m not an example for people on how to live their
lives and never in my life would I ever set out to be an example for people on
how to live their lives. If you need an example for how to live, then you just
shouldn’t have been born.”

Boys aren’t the only ones with role
models like this. One of the top female artists right now is Ke$ha.



Yeah,
that’s not a typo that’s a dollar sign – she spells her stage name with a
dollar sign. The lyric that Ke$ha is probably best known for is from her hit
single Tik Tok where she says “before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of
Jack (Jack Daniel’s Whiskey) ‘cause when I leave for the night I ain’t comin’
back.” The majority of Ke$ha’s hit songs and her overall style are all about
being the crazy party girl. In her song Blah Blah Blah she says “just meet me
in the back with the jack at the jukebox […] cause I know you don’t care what
my middle name is”. Ke$ha is proud that in her music she talks about guys the
same way that male stars like Lil Wayne have objectified women for years. I
don’t think sinking to their level was the right move.

I don’t buy into Lil Wayne and
Ke$ha’s life philosophy and this is why I’m so glad that we get to hang out
with students not just in class but in the lunch room, at basketball games,
etc. It gives us a way to share not just information but the example of our own
lives. I don’t go around doing whatever I want to do like Lil Wayne and Ke$ha
because I want to be a responsible husband, a good father some day, even just a
good friend; and all of those things require doing some things I don’t want to
do because I care about other people’s feelings too. And I hope that my life
inspires people to do the same. 

Our program, the
Edge, is presented to students starting in the sixth grade. Before we spend the week with the students, they are given an "opt out" form to give to their parents. This allows parents to decide if they want their child to participate in the program. Prior
to our coming to the school parents receive an “Opt Out” form. .
Earlier this year, one teacher showed me one form with a note written in bold at the
bottom:



"This should
NOT be taught in middle school."

At first, I admit, I was a little offended. In fact, I'm always a little
offended when parents opt out of our program.  I mean, we're awesome and I
feel we aren't even given the benefit of the doubt. We're well educated. We
care about your kids. We want them to make the healthiest decisions. Abstinence
is never a bad choice.



But after I thought about it for a little while, my heart softened. Maybe that
parent didn't want us to teach the material because she felt that it should be
a matter discussed at home.  Ok, I can get on board with that.  But,
is it a bad idea to have what is being taught at home reinforced at school? I
don't think so.



And then, my mind settled on a final determination for the letter and the
removal of the child from our program. He was in 6th grade. His mother felt he
was too young for the material.



And, I think that's a problem.  Please understand: I fully believe that
the parents should be completely involved in the education of their child,
especially at the public level. They should have a word in the matter. But,
unfortunately, no matter how much we protect our children, the false perception
of sex without consequences saturates our culture. And if we aren't telling our kids the truth, they
will accept those false teachings as such.



Why do we teach a program to sixth graders? Because our
youth are having sex at a very young age. Each year, we have clients as young as 12 walk through our doors for a pregnancy test. Our children are believing
these false ideas, and accepting them as truth. They don't know the
consequences of their bad decisions. 





Why do we fight to be in our schools? Because if we don't fight for it, Planned
Parenthood will.  With a message of risk reduction.



And, honestly, would you rather someone tell your child how to simply reduce
their risks, or how to avoid them completely?



I know I'll be teaching my little girl how to avoid those risks. She's far too
valuable to me for a message of risk reduction. And, you know what, your kids
are too.

The Man Who Waited

      This isn’t just our opinion either. Numerous studies have shown that married people report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and have sex more often than their unmarried counterparts. One possible explanation for this is the emotional bonds that form during sex. There are certain chemicals released in our brains that promote feelings of bonding, love, and trust. The chemicals primarily responsible for this are called Oxytocin in women and Vasopressin in men. Oxytocin is the same chemical that is released when a woman is giving birth, telling her brain that she needs to love this new little life with everything she has. Have you ever wondered how your Mom puts up with your annoying little siblings (or you)? Oxytocin is part of the explanation. When this chemical is released in the context of marriage, it helps to solidify the bonds of that committed lifelong relationship.
    
     But what happens when that same chemical is released during sex and tells you to love and trust the boyfriend who is abusive? Or it tells you to love the guy who you hooked up with who doesn’t really care about you? Heartache happens. We’ve had teenagers in class tell us that we must be misinformed about these chemicals because they know people who have sex and it’s not a big emotional deal. Well, it’s possible to learn to disregard the natural bonding signal of your sexual chemicals; but you can’t just flip a switch when you’re ready to have a healthy committed relationship and get that back. In other words, just because you don’t feel immediate,  devastating emotional effects of casual sex doesn’t mean you aren’t paying a price. You are ultimately trading your ability to have meaningful relationships for the temporary pleasure of having casual sex right now.

     A lot of young people think, “But practice makes perfect, right? I need to start practicing now!” Becoming a good lover isn’t like becoming a good ping-pong player or something – it’s not about having a certain set of polished skills and moves – no matter what you’ve read in Seventeen Magazine. It’s more about knowing your partner and developing chemistry over time, like a couple of really good three-legged racers (don’t take that analogy too far).
    
     Also, I’ve already said sex is an emotional thing, but not only does sex promote feelings of trust and bonding, but sex is actually greatly enhanced (especially for females) by existing feelings of love, security, and trust that this person is around to stay and not just using you for their own pleasure. So a loving, committed husband is pretty much always going to be a better lover than some Fabio-type male model, regardless of any sexual technique.

     I know this is probably blowing your mind because our culture feeds you so much misinformation about sex, but check out these resources if you want some more proof.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000055.cfm

http://www.scribd.com/doc/2062045/The-Hottest-Valentines-The-Startling-Secret-of-What-Makes-You-a-HighVoltage-Lover

My mom loves me very much, and any loving mother expresses her care through concern for her child. Of course, I understand that now, but as a teenage boy that concern was largely identified as prying and excessive questioning. As far as I was concerned, by telling my mom that the day at school was “good” I summed up all the necessary information for that day. It was essentially the same as all the other days—I showed up, drooled on the desk and came home.

I’m now 23 years old and I’m not too far removed from those days of mother-son misunderstanding. I’ve learned a lot in recent years about gender communication that I believe has been extremely helpful for my relationship with my mom, as well as the female population in general.

Newsflash—boys and girls are different. So it makes sense that our communication styles are going to be different as well. By understanding some of these core differences, I think that the relationships we cherish the most (mother-son, husband-wife, or father-daughter) can be made stronger.

I think that a really helpful way to understand the key difference in the communication style of boys and girls lies in understanding the difference the way each gender processes information. Since we are in the age of the internet, I’ll use some tech-lingo to make an analogy of this defining difference.

You know how you take the cursor (the little arrow thingy on the screen) and can put it on some words and it remains an arrow and you can put it on other words and it turns into a little hand? Well, boys are like the words that leave the arrow and arrow and girls are like the words that turn the arrow into the hand. If you try to click on something that is not a link, it doesn’t do anything. It is what it is. It says what it says. That’s how boys are. Girls, however, are like those hyper-links. They say one thing, but once you put the arrow over it, the arrow transforms into a hand that can click on the words and it transports you into a whole different web-page where there very well may be a billion more links.

What I’m saying is that a boy processes information linearly. It is a straight, direct, idea-to-idea process. A girl processes information in more of a web fashion. One idea could lead to a multitude of ideas in many different directions. This is one of the reasons why a girl is typically interested in details. The way she is processing information is leading her to ask tangent questions stemming from the original subject. Meanwhile, a boy in a comparable situation would be satisfied with limited information because the details of the particular subject would not be necessary to the linear flow of his thought-processing.

So, when you’re in a difficult communication situation with the opposite gender, remember that there are some significant communicative differences that are inherent for each gender. The differences can cause friction and misunderstanding. However, if we take time to recognize the differences and adjust our communication accordingly, we can complement each other and our relationships will be strengthened.

Looking back on my first two months of parenthood, I can honestly say it hasn’t been that bad. But I have to add, I haven’t been on my own. I’ve had two weeks of assistance from my mother-in-law, and plenty of afternoon assistance from my parents. My husband and I took turns with the late-night feedings until last week, but with his recent move to third shift, Mommy is left all alone. And I’m exhausted and can’t really see any relief in sight. And it has finally dawned on me. How do people do this alone? More specifically, how do teens do it?

Each week, I teach a new group of students. And each week, I am faced with the reality that some of these kids are more experienced parents than I am. In fact, I’ve been given parenting advice from high school freshmen. I was 10 when most of these kids were born, and they are giving me advice on child rearing. Kids raising kids. That is our reality.

In a perfect world, I would be unemployed. Not because I would be a millionaire and not have to work, but because my profession would no longer be needed. Teenagers would understand the consequences of sex outside the commitment of a faithful marriage. Teen girls would hold on to their childhood instead of holding onto an empty promise of “love.” But this is our reality.

Every day, 2,000 girls get pregnant. Every day, 2,000 teen girls have to grow up fast. Faster than they should have. And that is why I do what I do.

I’m certainly not getting rich doing what I am doing. At least not money wise. But each time I stand in front of a group of students, I hope I make a difference. I hope that the teens realize that sex can be great, in the proper context.

When you are married, and know without a doubt that person will stick by you, the surprise of a pregnancy is met with anxious joy rather than fearful remorse. Sex is an intensely bonding experience, regardless of the context, or the age of the participants. That is our reality.

Parenthood is an amazing experience, and it seems I am quickly forgetting my married life as it was before. Of many things, I am uncertain, like how I can function on repeated nights of little sleep. But one thing I know for sure is that I couldn’t do this as a teen, nor would I wish that reality upon anyone.

I do what I do not to make large sums of money, though the feeling that comes with reaching a teen is priceless. I do what I because I see our youth hurting as they believe the lies that sex is no big deal. I do what I do because I have walked the halls of high school and know the pressure that is dealt by our media-frenzied culture. I do what I do because someone took the time to share the same truths with me years ago, and that has made all the difference.

“Wait, I need to get my own car insurance now?” “Health insurance costs HOW much?” “What even is renter’s insurance?” “I can’t keep mooching off my family’s cell phone plan?” “When did milk get so expensive?!” It’s moments like these that you want to go home and give your parents a big hug and say thank you for taking care of everything you didn’t even know you needed throughout the years. I suggest you take some time to actually do that today, or at least give them a call and let them know that you really appreciate all they did for you.

Even scarier than having to take care of yourself is having to take care of someone else. I got married this summer, and I knew that when I took those solemn vows that I was promising to take care of my wife to the very best of my ability. It is my job to provide for her needs as best I can, be they financial, physical, emotional, or whatever. Before I got married I always figured that if push came to shove I could be a traveling vagabond and life could still be fun, if not comfortable; but I couldn’t make my wife live like that, especially when we want to have a family someday. When you’re responsible for someone else it inspires you to “man up” and do what needs to be done, even if it’s really hard.

I think about this when we’re out teaching in the schools, especially when we talk about teen pregnancy. We tell teens that they are in a season of their life where their job is to focus on themselves and grow into the kind of person they need to be for the rest of their life. If they choose to have sex outside the context of a faithful and committed marriage and end up getting pregnant, that is going to fast forward them through this critical season and force them to take on responsibility for a new life. Taking on responsibility for someone else when you haven’t even had practice being fully responsible for your own life is a staggering shock that they aren’t ready to handle yet – mentally, emotionally, or financially (raising a child costs around $785 a month on average). If they do make the wise choice to stay abstinent, they won’t have to worry about unplanned pregnancy and will be able to enjoy the full benefit of this growing season of life – and also enjoy a full harvest in the next seasons of their life.

Now, I would not naturally classify myself as a person who is technologically savvy seeing how I never successfully completed a course in computer keyboard typing and I have a cell phone that neither sends nor receives text messages. However, at the close of the weekend with my grandparents, I was reminded of how tech-saturated I really am as I tried to explain to my grandma how to upload pictures from a digital camera to her computer. Something that would take the average person in my generation a few seconds to figure out would have taken my grandma another lifetime to finagle.

This experience has caused me to reflect on the fact that we, as a nation, are becoming more and more technologically advanced and, in turn, more technologically dependent (an issue I would like to define as “Techpendence”). Let’s face it, if all the computers vanished from the face of the earth this instant, the majority of us would only last a few days. We depend on the functional operation of our technological resources way more than we probably think. Most of us get our food and clothing from some sort of store. Well, what if we didn’t have the technology and organization to coordinate the schedules of the corporate manufacturers who produce the things we need? Can you shave a sheep and crochet your family some clean underwear? Do you have the green thumb necessary to grow your own produce? Have you ever butchered a cow to make a homemade “Big Mac?”

I suppose I was really awakened to some of these sobering, personal insufficiencies when I spent four months in Palau (a small, pacific island-nation). From August to November, I was an intern at a private, all-boys boarding school as a teacher, coach, musician, and church worker. It was during this time that I had no cell phone, telephone, computer, TV, radio, or car. I was stunned at how vulnerable I felt when these accessories were stripped from my life. At first, I struggled immensely learning how to cope without being able to instantaneously call a friend to invite them over, shoot an e-mail to my family, drive to the grocery store to get some grub, kick back and watch the game, listen to some calming music to help me drift off to sleep…etc. However, after a few weeks of being without, I began to notice a couple of significant things.

First of all, it proved that even though I am not a tech-connoisseur by American standards, I am still a tech-addict. What I mean is that the “techpendence” is ingrained in my culture. I am accustomed to instantaneous satisfaction, whether it is getting somewhere speedily by car or having the capability of successfully communicating a message within moments.

The second thing I found, as a byproduct of my “techpendence,” was that I am extremely negligent of my immediate circle of relationships. While I was in Palau, I didn’t have the luxuries normally associated with everyday, American life. As a result, I eventually found that I was able to get to know the people around me on a much more personal level. It’s strange to realize that without those “luxuries,” the world was still spinning, there were still 24 hours in a day, and there was a collection of people around me that I would have never connected with if I rushed through my day. Sometimes, the things intended to amplify our productivity and proficiency can detract from the things that really matter…in this case, the power of deep and meaningful relationships.

Upon returning to the U.S., this idea was further impressed on my mind as I found myself sitting in silence in my family’s living room as four other people sitting on couches surfed the web on their personal laptops. I simply looked around and thought about how peculiar it seemed that something such as the internet, created to connect people across theCell globe, had severed the potential depth of the relationship of the people sitting within feet of each other.

So, what’s the point of this musing? I suppose what I’m getting at is a series of questions:

1. Are you satisfied with the relationships you have with those who are closest to you?
2. Are you striving to build those relationships that are most important (husband, wife, children…etc.), or…
3. Are you spreading your time thin with things that don’t have that much long-term value?
4. How “techpendent” are you really?

Here’s a challenge for the brave:

Unplug your computer and TV, turn off your phone/ipod/cd player/radio, and spend a full week intentionally focusing on building the relationships that are most important to you. Eat meals together. Learn what they like or dislike. Ask what they’re struggling with. Offer advice. Share stories. Yes, this IS possible! People have been living without those accessories for thousands of years. Try it…I dare you.